Most of us have probably had fun with magnets. We most likely use magnets to attach items such as pictures of family members to the refrigerator. One of the activities we may have enjoyed as children was putting two magnets close together to see how they attract each other. We may also have tried turning one magnet around and bringing it close to the other magnet. As we did that, the magnet in our hand repelled the other magnet, pushing it away. The attraction was gone.

This illustration of magnets repelling one another can be  used to understand some relationships. One person in the relationship, who we will call the Pursuer, tries to get close to the other person, but the other person reacts in a way that keeps the Pursuer at a distance. We call that person the Distancer. The Pursuer works hard to get close to the Distancer but often is repelled. After a while, the Pursuer gets frustrated and stops the pursuit, which confuses the Distancer. The dance has stopped, and the Distancer is unsure of how to relate. Since the Distancer has a fear of abandonment, he moves towards the Pursuer, who, in turn, thinks things have changed. Unfortunately, the Distancer is uncomfortable with this vulnerability and closeness, so she again pushes back to create distance.

Pursuers often chase after someone who is unavailable for intimacy. Perhaps, the truth of the matter is that Pursuers are uncomfortable with being vulnerable or intimate. The same can be said of Distancers, which is why they run away.

Most of us have had experiences with Distancers. They keep us at arm's length, and we never really get close to them. Sometimes, they are more friendly, so we mistakenly interpret that as a sign that our relationship is moving in a good direction. However, being friendly does not mean they are being vulnerable. We soon discover that they are keeping us at arm's length.

Brene Brown pointed out that the downside of not being vulnerable is that there is no empathy without vulnerability.


If one was in a relationship with a significant other who lived in another state, one might empathize with the Pursuer. If a telephone conversation with that significant  other did not end well, one might experience a lot of anxiety. The fear of losing that person might be so strong that one might anxiously look for some assurance that the relationship is still okay. A Pursuer feels this when trying to connect to a Distancer but is nevertheless kept at a distance.

When Distancers are feeling engulfed, instead of runnning away, they neeed to trust themselves and the relationship. Such vulnerabilty will bring healing to Distancers.