When doing a job around the home, it is wise to use the right tools. Can you imagine putting up a picture hook and nail with a sledgehammer? It would be overkill and would leave a huge hole in the wall. Using the right tools in a relationship is equally important. Some of us use a sledgehammer to deal with a problem that, in reality, is a tack. Using a sledgehammer can painfully wound our relationship and our partner.

Has this ever happened to you? You ask a question for clarification, and the person you are addressing, evidently thinking you are criticizing her, takes out a sledgehammer and blasts you? You soon realize that this person is filled with anger because the hammer comes out so quickly. The anger was just below the surface, so instead of double-checking her interpretation of your question, she attacked. A mature person would have said that she felt you were being critical and then you could have rephrased your question. Now you begin walking on eggshells around this person because you do not want her to bring out the sledgehammer again.

In this article, we will focus on aggressive communicators who use a sledgehammer when things do not go their way.  

While it is important to stand up for ourselves, the problem is in how we do this. The Aggressive Communicator may express himself at the expense of other people, using sarcasm, threats, negative labels, profanity, intimidation, humiliation, and “you-messages” with absolutes. To get what he wants, he attacks others by verbally “jumping on them with both feet” rather than addressing the behavior that is causing the problem.

Perhaps we use aggressive communication because we believe we are being treated unfairly; because we feel left out or powerless. The intensity of our anger is in direct proportion to how malicious and intentional we interpret the incident to be. I recently witnessed this when I was at a medical office, waiting to have a blood test. The nurse called out a name, and suddenly an angry lady stood up and loudly complained that she was next. The nurse calmly and politely told her that she was calling patients according to appointment times. In no uncertain terms, the angry woman told the nurse that she was lying. Finally, she sat down and continued to complain to her husband so everyone could hear her.

She felt she was being mistreated by being intentionally left out. If she had gone directly to the nurse quietly, she would have discovered that they were trying to treat each patient fairly. Ironically, her name was called next! Perhaps the message here is to put away our sledgehammer and check out our interpretations. There are kinder ways to stand up for ourselves than using a sledgehammer.