A friend of mine shared a story about a couple who loved to put jigsaw puzzles together. Recently, there was a puzzle they had trouble with. No matter how hard they worked, the picture that was emerging did not match the one on the puzzle box. Then they realized that the puzzle pieces would never match. The puzzle pieces were in the wrong box!
This story is a good analogy of marriage/relationships. Each of us may have a picture in our mind as to what our relationship should be. Our picture on the marriage box top is shaped by our imagination, by our expectations, by how our parents modeled relationships, and by the media.
One of our expectations we might think is on the marriage box top is, "I will finally feel good about myself when I get married." The truth is that marriage can bring out some of the problems we have had with relationships. We will not find this promise on the marriage box top because our partner cannot make us feel good about ourselves or make us happy. That is our job.
If we grew up with parents whose conflicts ended up with attacking each other and never resolving the issues, we might project onto our marriage box top, "A good marriage will not have conflicts." When we do get in a relationship, and there is a heated conflict, we might think our relationship is over. However, conflicts are not a bad thing if we handle them in a way that listens and respects our partner's feelings and perspective.
We work to make that marriage box top happen
by how we relate to our partner and the behavior we
expect from our partner. Down the road we may come to the
realization that our relationship will not completely match
the dream we imagine on our marriage box top.
What we imagine is on our marriage/relationship box top has to be realistic and attainable. The question is what should be on the marriage box top. One of the goals on the marriage box top would be that our relationship will be our safe place where both of us can feel secure and be accepted unconditionally. Another goal on the box top is that our marriage will be where each of us can grow and develop all the potentials that lie within us. Some of the other goals on the box top could be: our commitment will be larger than our mistakes and disappointments; we will find the tools for handling conflicts so that we feel safe even during arguments; we will practice forgiveness so that our relationship does not get struck at a hurtful event; we will relate in such a way that our partner will know that he or she is the most important person in our lives.
My next column will explore what is on our parenting and career box top.
Dr. William E. Austin is a licensed psychotherapist and holds a Doctor of Divinity degree. He is a therapist with Tidewater Pastoral Counseling Services . He is well known for his warmth and sense of humor. His book, Creating Our Safe Place - Articles on Healthy Relationships, can be purchased through www.amazon.com.
Tidewater Pastoral Counseling: 623-2700
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