In last month's article, we discussed some of the ways our arguments are made worse by the ways we try to settle them. Using the 'Silent Treatment' is one unsuccessful way. Apologizing prematurely is another.

'It's my fault. I'm sorry' sometimes is used to end the argument prematurely. When it is used to end the argument, it stops our partner from talking about something that might have caused him/her to feel hurt or angry. It is obvious that the underlying message is to stop our partner because if he/she continues talking, we can always say, 'I told you I was sorry. What more do you want?' 'I'm sorry' can be translated in many ways such as, ' Stop talking or learn to live with it because this is the way I am and I am not about to change my behavior even if it hurts.' In this case it is not someone asking another to forgive us of a behavior. It is not being accountable and it is not trying to resolve a conflict.

One of the keys to conflict management is to fight in such a way that no one loses and the relationship wins. We can win the argument and damage the relationship by the way we handle the conflicts. In the upcoming articles, we will be exploring ways to handle conflicts so that the relationship wins.

Dr. William E. Austin is a licensed psychotherapist and holds a Doctor of Divinity degree. He is a therapist with Tidewater Pastoral Counseling Services . He is well known for his warmth and sense of humor. His book, Creating Our Safe Place - Articles on Healthy Relationships, can be purchased through www.amazon.com.

Tidewater Pastoral Counseling: 623-2700