(In order to present the following scenario, I had to pick one gender. I picked the female this time but it doesn't mean they are the only ones who do this.)

'When you did that, did you even think about how I would feel? No! It's always about you. You are the most selfish person I know. You act like everyone is to cater to your needs. Just once I wish you would stop and think about me and consider what I want. You never think about my feelings. Guess what? The world doesn't revolve around you. Oh, now you are upset. See I can't share my feelings with you.'

After she notices that her husband is upset she storms out of the room promising never to share her feelings with him again. As he follows her out of the room, he tries to talk to her but she rejects his advances, 'No! You can't handle my feelings. From now on I will just keep my feelings to myself.'

The problem is that she is not sharing her feelings. She is giving expression to her feelings in a way that feels like an attack. One of the reasons it feels like an attack is that she is using 'you' messages. By using a 'you' message,' she is not speaking for herself but is describing him. Along with the analyzing and blaming she heats up the conflict by throwing in hot words such as 'never' and 'always.'

To think that after she shares all these 'you' messages he would not have any feelings such as anger is unreasonable. Of course he is going to be angry because he feels attacked. Ironically, she is doing to him the very thing she has been complaining about: not allowing feelings.

Last month I introduced the topic of guilt and wrote about the difference between blame and responsibility. The scenario above is more about blame and shows how difficult it is to work on a problem when we are attacking the person rather than the problem.

It is amazing how we think we are sharing our feelings when in actuality we are unloading or blaming. When this is done, our partner is definitely going to have feelings. The best way of sharing our feelings is to speak for ourselves by using an 'I' message. The formula is: 'When ______ (name the behavior) happens, I feel ______ (name the feeling such as sadness, anger, joy).'

When we present our issue or problem to our partner, we need to ask ourselves, 'Are we attacking the behavior or the person? Are we asking the other person to change who he is or are we asking him to change the ways he relates?' The answers to these questions will greatly determine how the discussion goes! Whether there will be a reaction that escalates or a response will be influenced by how we present the problem.

Dr. William E. Austin is a licensed psychotherapist and holds a Doctor of Divinity degree. He is a therapist with Tidewater Pastoral Counseling Services . He is well known for his warmth and sense of humor. His book, Creating Our Safe Place - Articles on Healthy Relationships, can be purchased through www.amazon.com.

Tidewater Pastoral Counseling: 623-2700