'. . . if my emotion is less than yours, or more, given the same circumstances, try not to ask me to feel more strongly or weakly.'

When my wife, Karen, and I bought our current home, I was so excited and everyone knew it. I found myself getting angry with Karen because she did not appear to have my enthusiasm.

Angrily, I asked, 'Aren't you excited about moving into a new home?' She said to me, 'Just because I do not express my feelings the way you do doesn't mean that I am not excited about our new home. You are saying to me that it is not okay to feel what I am feeling.' It was true, I was angry with Karen because she did not express her feelings the way I did, so I concluded that she was not excited about moving.

Often in an argument we may be giving our partner the message 'don't feel,' or 'don't feel that way.' Some of us don't know what to do with our partner's anger so when she gets angry, we give the message that certain feelings are not okay to express in our home.

There are parents who give the message to their children that it is not okay to feel or think differently than they. It is like the funny, but yet sad, statement, 'If I want your opinion, I will give it to you.' Sadly, these children grow up not trusting their own thoughts and feelings.

What are some of the ways we convey the message 'don't feel that way?' We send that message when we belittle our partner's feelings, attack our partner when she is expressing her feelings, or label her feelings as good and bad, or when we refuse to value what is being shared.

Another subtle way we tell people 'don't feel that way' is when there is a death and we find ourselves uncomfortable with another person's grief. If we are unsure what is expected of us, and how to be supportive, we might avoid bringing up the subject. We may try to stop the crying with some statement such as 'you know they are in a better place.' While this statement is true, the danger is when we try to 'fix' the grief with such statements, we may be stifling the grief process.

Each of us express our feelings differently and need a receptive audience. We need to remind ourselves often that our partner has a right to her feelings even if her feelings are different from ours.

If we upset her and she gets angry, she has a right to express those feelings in an appropriate manner. Appropriate means to speak for one's self and focus on the behavior without attacking the person.

Dr. William E. Austin is a licensed psychotherapist and holds a Doctor of Divinity degree. He is a therapist with Tidewater Pastoral Counseling Services . He is well known for his warmth and sense of humor. His book, Creating Our Safe Place - Articles on Healthy Relationships, can be purchased through www.amazon.com.

Tidewater Pastoral Counseling: 623-2700