Have you ever experienced the following scenario? You notice that your spouse is upset with you and after some probing, you discover that you failed to do something she wanted you to do.

Your reply is, 'I didn't know that you wanted that. Why didn't you tell me?' Her response, ' I should not have to tell you. You should know. Besides, I gave you all kinds of hints.'

Some of us believe the following, 'you should know what I want without my telling you. If I have to tell you, it means you don't care. And if you do it after I tell you, it doesn't count because I told you.'

Question: if we do not share our needs with our loved ones, how will they know what we want? Mind reading doesn't work because our partner cannot get into our head. Our partner, like most people, will do what pleases him/her and this may not be what we want. And honestly, most men are not good at hints or reading between the lines of what is said because they tend to be literal thinkers. So the message is: if we want something, we should say it, and stay away from hinting and assuming.

I think one of the reasons we hint instead of
asking for what we want is because many of us
do not know the difference between being
self-affirmative and being egotistical. Nor do we
know the difference between taking care of
ourselves and being selfish.

If we are one of those people who do not know the difference between taking care of ourselves and being selfish, sharing our needs will be difficult even with those closest to us. We may think that we are being selfish if we request what we want. Instead of voicing our needs we complain, hint, give innuendoes, criticize or model how we want to be treated, so our partner has to read between the lines of what we say or be a mind-reader.

We have all known couples who, after years of marriage, one partner announces that she no longer wants to be married. Her partner is shocked, he had no idea that she was dissatisfied and tries to do everything to change her mind.

Nothing works because she has made up her mind. In some cases, the woman tried over and over to tell her mate but he did not take her seriously. In other cases, the wife did not share her feelings and after years of stuffing them, she realizes she is numb and does not feel connected romantically to her spouse.

For a relationship to work we need to be good teachers and never assume our partner or others know what we need or how to relate to us unless we teach them. Taking care of ourselves is done by teaching others how to relate to us.

Dr. William E. Austin is a licensed psychotherapist and holds a Doctor of Divinity degree. He is a therapist with Tidewater Pastoral Counseling Services . He is well known for his warmth and sense of humor. His book, Creating Our Safe Place - Articles on Healthy Relationships, can be purchased through www.amazon.com.

Tidewater Pastoral Counseling: 623-2700