Since I have previously written about the next item on our Twelve intimacy Questionnaire, I will be presenting the need for this intimacy: Emotional Intimacy - sharing feelings, emotions, joys, sorrows.

Isn't it frustrating when we need to talk about a problem and our partner says, 'I don't want to talk about it'? .

After a few failed attempts to reopen the conversation, we discover that our partner not only means that we will not discuss this hot topic today, but we will never discuss it. Another frustrating experience is after our partner has unloaded on us and we try to address the issue, our partner cuts us off by saying, 'See, I can't share my feelings with you. I'll just keep my feelings to myself.'

The problem with these approaches is that our relationship begins to build a list of hot topics that we are not allowed to talk about. Just because we do not talk about a problem doesn't mean it will go away. Actually, we have created a tiger in our relationship.

Even though we don't talk about it, we all know the tiger is there. We feel it. We tip toe around it and even stumble over it. As we add more topics to the 'I don't want to talk about it' list, the tiger gets larger and the result is that we stop talking altogether because we are afraid we might touch on one of those forbidden topics. Consequently, nothing gets resolved.

Since we choose not to be vulnerable or honest with each other, we will experience a lack of trust and intimacy. Eventually, some couples will get divorced because the unresolved issues and the feelings around them, which have created a feeling of not 'being in love.'

What is also frustrating is that we don't know why our partner doesn't want to talk, so we have no way of removing the unknown obstacle. Since we are not allowed to share our viewpoint or express our feelings about the issue, we are left with anger and frustration.

The obvious question that is not addressed, but should be, is if we are not allowed to talk about the problem, how can we ever resolve it, heal and move on? Not talking about it is not a good answer because we will continue dealing with it even though it is not in the open.

It is like having a tiger in the shadows that is ready to pounce out and attack us. Anything that is not looked at becomes larger and more powerful. Problems that are brought out of hiding and exposed to the light of examination are more manageable, less frightening and less powerful. Once we know what the problem looks like, it no longer controls us and we can deal with it.

Dr. William E. Austin is a licensed psychotherapist and holds a Doctor of Divinity degree. He is a therapist with Tidewater Pastoral Counseling Services . He is well known for his warmth and sense of humor. His book, Creating Our Safe Place - Articles on Healthy Relationships, can be purchased through www.amazon.com.

Tidewater Pastoral Counseling: 623-2700