I have written many columns over these decades of publishing. The one that brought more comments than any other was a May column titled, "I don't want Mother's Day Anymore." Both my natural children were at odds with me and it was a very difficult time.
It turned out that I was not alone. I had very touching calls from mothers, one who told me I had given her permission to love a child who did not love her. That spoke to my heart and I was so glad I had written of my angst so we both knew we were not alone. What good is angst if we can't find its lesson?
I believe what saves us when we are feeling unloved is to look deep inside and discover what is unloveable about ourselves. It is so much easier to think our children are ingrates and we are angels. It is probably not the case - or at least not the whole story. In the end it is far better to find what we can improve in ourselves.
When there is separation between mother and child, it is often a misunderstanding - some miscommunication when one or both were hurting and not listening. Or perhaps one or both were not the perfect mother or child. Incredibly, it is often a mystery to one or both as to what happened!
I am fortunate to have three step sons and a daughter of my heart to love in addition to my two beautiful grown children - so I am never without children who care about me. And at this moment in time, all six of our kids seem to love me. I'd say 'us' but everyone loves my husband, Terry. Even when I am mad at him, I suspect I'm wrong!
I don't take love for granted anymore, haven't for many years. I used to think love between a child and parent was a given, automatic. Not.
When there is separation
between mother and child, it
is often a misunderstanding - some
miscommunication when one or both
was hurting and not listening. Or perhaps
one or both were not the perfect mother or
child. Incredibly, it is often a mystery to
one or both as to what happened!
So, for those who don't want to bother with their mother this year, know there is no pain worse for a mother who loves her child. And for those who love their mother but believe she does not love them, talk to her. Get it in the open and lead off with, "I love you, Mom."
If that doesn't work, we must not become a victim. We need to find mothering people or lonely children who will help fill our void.
If a loved one doesn't love us, we need to search inside ourselves to figure out if and how we have hurt them. Then try to make it right. If we truly believe we have not hurt them, we need to try to understand why they may feel badly toward us. They may have good reason or they may not. Sometimes a problem is simply within the child. It is comforting to know that many who did not have perfect childhoods are able, as adults, to take charge of their own lives though self knowledge, counseling, religious convictions, or whatever works - to let them know they are in charge of their own happiness. And sometimes, mothers need to let go. We must all hold on to the knowledge that we can't change anyone but ourselves.
There are people who do not have a mother anymore or who are no longer mothers. If we truly have love going wanting, we can seize the day and share it. There is no scarcity of people in this world who need us.
Jean Loxley-Barnard has been a writer all her life and studied both sociology and psychology at George Washington University where she earned a B.A. Her company, The Shopper, Inc., encompasses all the Loxley-Barnard family publications - The Shopper Magazines and Doctor to Doctor Magazine. She has been in the advertising, consulting and publishing business for 39 years.