This month we are examining the issue of recognition. Recognition has to do with expressing appreciation to our partner for contributions to the relationship. We don't want to make the mistake of assuming that our partner knows we are appreciative.

It is difficult to understand why people seem proud making the following statement, "If you don't hear from me, it means you are doing a good job." They seem to think this is a great way of treating others. What they are telling us is that they will not acknowledge our good job, but they will be happy to criticize us if something doesn't please them. Definitely not a great motivator!

This line of thinking plays out in the story of a person we will call Wayne. For years Wayne worked hard to get praise from his mother. She never praised him no matter how much he accomplished. Wayne interpreted her silence as her not being proud of him. Consequently, he believed that nothing he did was good enough, but this belief did not stop him from working to get her praise. When he did something he believed would impress her, he would call her to share his accomplishment. It was like he was setting himself up for disappointment because she never said, "I am so proud of you. What a nice job."

His mother said the reason she did not offer praise to her sons is because she saw parents who praised their sons and unbeknownst to them, their children were doing horrible things behind their backs. Everyone knew what the children were doing except the parents. Wayne's mother did not want to look foolish like those other parents. Towards the end of his mother's life, she finally told Wayne she was proud of him. It was amazing what Wayne felt or did not feel. All his life he was trying to win her praise and when it did happen, it did not do what he thought it would. He felt resentment. He wondered to himself, "Why now after all these years?" His mother's praise did not cause him to feel better about himself. To this day, Wayne is still trying to prove himself and be acknowledged by other people who simply took his mother's place.

If we do not recognize what our partner does for us, he is going to feel taken for granted. If our partner's love language is affirmation, they are going to believe that we do not love him or her if we do not show appreciation. If we only say something when our partner does something that upsets us, he or she is going to believe that no matter how much they do, it is never enough. They will see us as being critical.

Next month we will continue examining this issue.

Dr. William E. Austin is a licensed psychotherapist and holds a Doctor of Divinity degree. He is a therapist with Tidewater Pastoral Counseling Services . He is well known for his warmth and sense of humor. His book, Creating Our Safe Place - Articles on Healthy Relationships, can be purchased through www.amazon.com.

Tidewater Pastoral Counseling: 623-2700