Friday, August 7th, 2020

R Relationships by Dr. Bill Austin
Expressing Grief



Grief includes so many different feelings. Probably the best image of what it is like to work through our many feelings is the onion. When we peel an onion, we go through the many layers. The same is true with feelings. It takes time to peel back the feelings.

It is important to remember that working through the layers takes more than one listening time. We may need to talk about our loss for a while. What makes that difficult in our society is that we get the message that we are supposed to be over our grieving in a certain amount of time. That is why it is important to find a supportive group that encourages us to talk about our loss as we work our way through the many layers.

The feeling and the loss have to be faced. Another piece of that is to allow ourselves to feel what we feel. Sometimes, we think, "If I start crying, I will never stop." The truth is that if we don't allow ourselves to cry and talk it out, healing will be postponed. Consequently, we may find ourselves depressed, which is different from grieving, or we find ourselves physically ill.

The feeling and the loss have to be faced. Another piece of that is to allow ourselves to feel what we feel.

Grief will sneak up on us. We know special or significant occasions such as anniversaries and holidays will be difficult, so we prepare for them by being with friends or observing the ritual in a different way. We find ourselves getting through those times better than we thought we would. It is the times when we are blindsided that get us. We find ourselves crying. We call that "grief bursts." Our grief pops out when we encounter some smell, ritual or event that reminds us of our loved one. This is normal and it is okay. It is a part of the grieving process.

The problem with many men is we tend to categorize or compartmentalize what happens to us. We tend to stuff our feelings and get busy. This way of dealing (or not dealing) with our emotions is called "masculine grief." We probably know some couples where the husband dealt with the loss in this way. The woman wants to talk about her feelings but the husband says, "We need to move on. That is in the past." Basically, he is telling her to "get over it." There is a certain anger about him as he prohibits her from talking. What is the anger? Since anger is a secondary feeling, there are primary feelings beneath the anger. What is beneath the anger? Could it be a sense of powerlessness? The man may be thinking, "My life has been changed, and I did not have any say or control. And I don't know what to do with these overwhelming feelings."

Next month, we will continue examining what happens to us in the grieving process and ways to handle our grief.

Dr. William E. Austin is a licensed psychotherapist and holds a Doctor of Divinity degree. He is a therapist with Tidewater Pastoral Counseling Services . He is well known for his warmth and sense of humor. His book, Creating Our Safe Place - Articles on Healthy Relationships, can be purchased through

Tidewater Pastoral Counseling: 623-2700